~Always Helping~

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm lookingfor my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking formy wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little tired and weary."
"Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs,big busted, and she's wearing a see-thru blouse and really shortshorts. What does your wife look like?"
"Doesn't matter, let's look for yours!

How to frustrate your Doctor!

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."
DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."
MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."'
DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting." MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."
DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"
MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."

Lighter moments!!!

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Lexus

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?”

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as thought nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

For indians !!!

Bjp and Congress

Once a boy gave a lotus to girl. The girl gave him a tight slap.
The boy asked her the reason for slapping him.

The girl told him: you gave me bjp so i gave you congress!!!!!!!!!!!

Musharraf & Vajpayee

Musharraf feels sorry about Vajpayee leading a lonely life and proposes that if India gives Kashmir to Pakistan - then Pakistan will marry off the most beautiful woman there to Vajpayee.

Vajpayee agrees but has a condition - if I divorce the lady - then Pakistan has to be merged with India.

Go to Hell

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven."

"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard, no Lawyers."

"But, but, but, I’ve been a good man", replies the Lawyer.

"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"

"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa".

"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"

"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans."

"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss."

Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now take a hike!"

New Jaguar Car

A very excited Lawyer pulls up in a brand new Jaguar and parks outside on the road, close by his place of work. He takes the car to show it off to all his colleagues. He opens the door when suddenly a big truck drives by and rips off the car door. The Lawyer starts screaming and raving at what had happened to his new car and calls 911. The police arrive on the scene ten minutes later. After minutes of shouting and ranting/raving about the car he finally calms down.

The police man say's, "You Lawyers never think about people only materialistic things like cars and are selfish, did you not realise that when that truck hit your car door, it also ripped your arm off from the elbow down".

The Lawyer then shouts out, "Shit, my Rolex".

Laloo's Threat

A major traffic jam was preventing people from moving forward. A motorist shouted out wanting to know what was happening. A guy from the front replied, "Well at the traffic crossing Laloo Yadav is sprawled across the road. He is refusing to move from there!"

"But why?"

"He has lost the elections and will now surely be convicted for corruption and will have to pay lakhs of Rupess as fines! He is threatening to douse himself with kerosene and set himself on fire if people didn't contribute with money to help him pay the fine!"

"So how much has been collected so far?"

"Six litres!"

Sacrifice

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face wasseverely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn'tgraft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt wassuitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honortheir secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man'snew face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome withemotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you foreverything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I needevery time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Family Problems!!!

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.

One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally the other mansaid: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.

A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown up daughter. We got married and I got myself a step-daughter. Later, my father married my step-daughter. That made my step daughter my step-mother. And my father became my step-son. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

Much later the daughter of my wife, my step-mother, had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half brother.

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half sister of my son, my step-mother, is also his grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose step-sister is my father's wife.

I am my step-mother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRAND FATHER!!!!!!!!!!

And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!!

Nice ones!!

A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over!'

'What do you mean?' said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,'Ow, that hurts.'

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.'

Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts!'

The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?'

'Why yes,' she said.

'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'

==========================================================

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

============================================================

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say..." "I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked n on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

=========================================================

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

Cehck it out urslef

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat
ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed
it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Hvae a ncie day!

Teacher - Student

Teacher :What happened in 1869?
Student :Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student :Gandhiji was four years old.



Question:What is the full form of maths.
Answer : Mentally affected teachers harassing students


Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student:A holiday


Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!


Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)

Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is
my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.


Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God,
are you still in there?'


Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask a question in English, answer it in English."
Student:"My name is Sunlight."

Catholic School Math!!

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card - unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.

The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

Customer care in 2020

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"

Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year.
That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a
Scooter,...registration number 1123..."

Customer: " ????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$% ^

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints]

Detective Sard!!!

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian.

The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation. "The Romans killed him."

The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the Same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews."

Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying,"Could I have some time to think about it?"

The chief said,"OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?". Sardarji replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder..

Night Courses

During work, John and William were chatting:
John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
William: oh!
John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
William: No
John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:
John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?
William: No
John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:
John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?
William: No
John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is George Hunt?
John: No
William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!

I am not your mother!!!!

Farmer John was taking his cow and it's new born calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however left the new born calf behind.

Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.

"Why are you thrashing the poor calf?, his neighbors asked?

To which farmer John replied, "I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly that I am not your mother!, I am not your mother!!!"

Signs!!!!

Sign on a railway station at Patna:
::Aana free, jaana free, pakde gaye to khana free.

Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:
::Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may
be your grandmother!

Seen on a bulletin board:
::Success is relative. More the success, more the
relatives.

Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
::We need your heads to run our business.

A traffic slogan:
::Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough
-or else they never will be.....

THE BEST ONE :
::Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations such as Jaish, Lashkar etc.
Its our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and God.
Indian Armed Forces

Monkeys and the cap-seller

Once upon a time there was a nice young man called Karim. He used to sell caps for a living, and roam around several villages. One day he would be in Mughalsarai, the other day people would find him in Faizabad.

It was an afternoon in summer and he was traversing the vast plains when he felt tired and wanted to have a nap. He found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade, placed his bag of caps beside himand went to sleep. Tired as he was, he was quickly fast asleep. When he woke up after a refreshing little nap, he found that there weren't any caps in his bag!

"Oh, Allah!", he said to himself, "Did the thieves have to find me of all people?" But then he noticed that the mango tree was full of cute monkeys wearing colourful caps!

He yelled at the monkeys and they screamed back.
He made faces at them and found the monkeys to be experts at that.
He threw a stone at them and they showered him with raw mangoes.

"Ya Allah, how do I get my caps back," he said.

Frustrated, he took off his own cap and slammed it on the ground. And Lo, the stupid monkeys threw their caps too! Smart Karim didn't waste a second, collected the caps and was on his way.

50 YEARS LATER....

Young Abdul, grandson of famous topiwala Karim who was also working hard at making $$$ doing his family business, was going through the same jungle.

After a long walk he was very tired and found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade. Abdul decided to rest a while and very soon was fast asleep. A few hours later, when Abdul woke up, he realised that all the caps from his bag were gone! Abdul started searching for the same and to his surprise found some monkeys sitting on mango tree wearing his caps.

Abdul was frustrated and didn't know what to do. And then he remembered a story his grandfathers proudly used to let him.

"Yes!!!! I can fool these monkeys!!!", said Abdul.
"I'll make them imitate me and very soon I'll get all my caps back!"

Abdul waved at the monkeys -- the Monkeys waved at Abdul
Abdul blew his nose -- the Monkeys blew their noses
Abdul started dancing -- the Monkeys were also dancing
Abdul pulled his ears -- the Monkeys pulled their ears
Abdul raised his hands -- the Monkeys raised their hands

Abdul threw his cap on the ground ............ .... one of the monkeys jumped down from the tree, walked upto Abdul;
slapped him and said "Do you think ONLY YOU HAD A GRANDFATHER?????"

Sards rock !!!

1. Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
He writes a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d complement"

2 How do you recognize a Sardar in School? He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

3. Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so? He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

4. Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar , where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?" (What Happened, My Son?) The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!)

5. Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. 'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

6. Teacher: Can you tell me something about Raja Ram Mohan Roy?
Saradji: They were 4 best friends..!

7. Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag
Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.

8. How can a Sardar Kill a Lion? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolota ra ra.

9. Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!

10 Sardar bought a new mobile. He called everyone from his Phone
Book & said "My MobileNo. has changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"

11. Sardar falls in Love with Nurse. He writes a Love letter to her, "
I LOVE U SISTER."

12. What is Common between: Krishna , Ram, Gandhi ji & Jesus..?
Sardar ji Replied: All are born on Government Holidays.

13. Santa : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey .
Santa: Oh, I thought it was its Skin...!!!

14. Sardar Son: O God! Please make New York the capital of Punjab .
Sardar: Why are you praying for that?
Sardar Son: That is what I have written in my exam...

15. After Finishing MBBS, Dr. Munna Starts his practice. He Checked 1st patient eyes, tongue & ears by Torch & finally said BOLE TO.......... TORCH THEEEEK HAI

Ask b4 u slap!!

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to use his own phoneto pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!) She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.

The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, junior said "the number u are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment. Pls Try Again Later".

Total signs of love

-*-*-*ToTaL SiGnS oF lOvE*-*-*-

*~*Guys*~*

1. She makes eye contact and smiles at you.

2. She hits you softly on the arm and laughs when you say something funny.
3. She flips her hair when she's talking to you.
4. She touches your arm when she talks to you.
5. She says, "No, I'm not telling you who I like!" with a big smile on her face
6. She asks you who you like or who you would go out with seemingly interested.
7. When you go to the movies with a bunch of your friends and she is almost always next to you.
8. She criticizes you on a girl you like.
9. You catch her staring at you.
10. She plays with your hair or tries to put make up on you.
11. Her friends outside of school and in school know about you, and says she talks about you a lot.
12. She knows your phone number and address. 13. She will try and talk, and spend time with you as much as possible

*~*Girls*~*

1. He stares at you a lot.

2. He hits you a lot. (just play hitting )

3. He uses the first thing that pops into his head to start a conversation with you .

4. He yelled, "Hi!", to your mom that day she picked you up from school.

5. He blew off his buds to go see "Run Away Bride" with you cuz you couldn't get another girl pal to go and didn't want to go alone.

6. He tries to make you laugh anyway even if he gets hurt in the process.

7. His voice gets softer ("Hey, you") when ever you two talk.

8. You hung up on him. He called you back.

9. You were invited by him to a group outing.

10. He called you to talk about nothing at all.

11. He imitates your laugh. OK, you do snort sometimes. Which makes you laugh even harder.
12. He remembers little things you mention in casual conversation.

13. He sometimes stares straight into your eyes.

Some interesting anagrams

Some interesting anagrams

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

Retest !!!!

One night 4 MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

Then dean was a just person so he said that you can have the retest after 3 days.

They said they will be ready by that time. On the third day they appeared before the dean. The dean said that this was a special condition test.

All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 2 questions with total of 100 marks.

Q1. Write down your name. ----- (2 marks).

Q2. Which tyre burst? ------- (98 marks)!!!

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Migraine

A man goes to the doctor and complains that no medicine helps with his migraines.

"When I have a migraine," says the doctor, "I go home and soak in a hot bath. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. Then I take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, we have sex. Almost immediately, the headache is gone. Try it and come back in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"It worked!" he exclaims. "I've had migraines for years, and no one's ever helped me before!"

"Glad to help," says the doctor.

"By the way," the patient adds, "you have a really nice house."

"If you catch me, I'm yours"

One fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders
and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel ba rs, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. ! In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.

"If I catch you, you're mine."

Marketing Concepts

Professor at IIM was explaining marketing concepts:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeousgirl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, You walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich"

That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.

That's demand and supply gap.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say, I am very rich. Marry me!" she turns her face towards you ----------- she is your wife!

That's competition eating into your market share."

Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

---

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"

---

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

---

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

---

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

---

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Baby Planes

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Jet Airlines from Mumbai to Delhi. The son (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”

The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”

The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”

The little boy admitted that she did.

“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Jet airways always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.”